Results of PET Scan

It is a good news/bad news situation. First the good news: The tumor is completely gone. there was no metabolic activity. The bad news: they found a 5 mm lesion on the right upper lobe of my lung. The radiologist report said " Suspicious of metastasis from primary tumor". My oncologist feels that this is highly unlikely but right now he can't prove it. The lesion is too small to biopsy. The only thing to do is to wait for 2 months and do a high resolution CT scan. If it is cancer, it will have grown larger. If it is not, it will be the same size. I started to go down the road with the oncologist about what we will do if it is a metastasis but then I stopped. I don't want to even think about going through any more treatment.
When I left the oncologist office, I broke down and sobbed. I didn't care about all the people around me trying not to look at me. I thought the worst thing I was facing was more surgery. It never even occurred to me that I was facing a metastasis and then or course there is the BIG D (death) looming in the background.
I talked to my Dad right after this and he reminded me that back in Nov. when things looked really bleak he prayed to God and the Lord told him that I would be healed. He says he believes that this is still true. I am going to believe that as well.

Thanks again to all my friends for your love, prayers and healing thoughts. I couldn't make it through this without you!

Love you all,

Margaret

Anniversary Gifts!!

Yesterday I opened my mail and received a gift certificate for George's in the Cove from my dear friends and former bridge group in No. Calif.  At first I wondered, how did they know about Georges??? Then I remembered I had made a big deal about it on my blog.   It was so so sweet of them to do that for Derek and me.  They are the best and I miss them all so much. 

If it can't get any better than that....think again???   Derek usually goes to the gym on Sat morning and he was gone longer than usual.  When he came home, he had a brand new MacBook Pro laptop and  color printer for me and said "Happy Anniversary Dear!"    So I am happily typing on my new Mac and can't wait to join the ranks of all the Mac lovers.

I think it is going to be a good anniversary after all.

PET scan today

Today is the day that I had my final PET scan that will determine if my cancer is still there and if I will require surgery to remove what I will refer to as my "nether parts". I have had 4 PET scans in the last 9 months. These are usually accompanied by a lot of anxiety on my part with regard to the procedure as well as the outcome. Today I had a sense of peace about this whole situation that I haven't experienced before. Derek offered to drive me and wait for me but I said no....I can do this myself. The two radiation technicians that work at the Imaging Center are wonderful people and have the nicest bedside manner. The entire process takes about 2 hours. The actual scan takes 30 minutes and that is usually the hardest part for me. I guess I am claustrophobic because I have to do a lot of "self talk" to keep myself from freaking out when my shoulders and head are in the scanner. Today I fell asleep during the entire scanning process. I awoke as the technician was shaking me. Two hours had gone by in a blink of the eye. I was so sleepy and when I got home I crawled into bed and slept for another 3 hours. I awoke feeling refreshed. I will know the results of the scan next Wed. As Andrea said to me earlier this week, "The decision has already been made you just don't know it yet". Somehow that comforts me.

Is this manic behavior???

I have felt a shift in my outlook and behavior since my horrible experience with my last bowel obstruction. I feel like I have experienced the absolute worst in the last 9 months. For some reason going through all of this has made me feel incredibly grateful to be alive. The joy I sometimes feel is indescribable. Sometime I feel that joy from simply petting my dogs, cooking dinner for Derek or looking at a beautiful sunset.

Today I put my riding pants on, grabbed my boots, hard hat and drove out to the barn. I saddled up my most awesome mare Monique and rode her. I walked, trotted and cantered. I was having so much fun I didn't want to stop. Marion was watching me and said "you better stop!". When I got off, I felt light headed like I was going to pass out but I also felt so WONDERFUL!!! I can still ride even with radiation damage, with an ostomy and with all the crap my body has been through. Marion had me sit down while she unsaddled and unbridled Mo (Marion is so sweet). Marion took a picture today of me Riding Monique. There is no place I would rather be than on the back of a good horse. I still have a lot of stuff to go through...but today is a good day.

Doing much better

I am recovering from the 2nd bowel obstruction much faster than the first one. When I got home from the hospital, I was so angry that I just started throwing things and yelling. I have never done that before in my life. I must say it was very cathartic. When I was feeling better, I wrote a letter to my surgeon letting him know about the terrible care I received from his colleague and asking that I never be treated by her again. I guess I am feeling "empowered"....which is a great feeling. I have felt such a lack of control in my life since all of this started.
I have my FINAL PET scan scheduled for this Fri at 8:30 AM. I am trying not to think too much about it but I am very nervous and scared.

In the Hospital....AGAIN!!!!

I had another bowel obstruction and had to spend the night in the hospital last night. Luckily they released me this afternoon as I am beginning to HATE the smells and sounds of hospitals. The doctor on call for my surgeon was a crazy lady that made me so nervous. She seemed to have no idea what she was doing. She refused to give me any pain meds until I told her in a very sharp voice that she was being in-humane. Then she begrudgingly gave me some pain meds in my IV. That was after suffering for 6 hours with intense pain. They had to repeat the CT scan two times. Then after the second time she said I have no idea how to interpret the scan. She kept saying "I don't know what to do.... I am a surgeon and I am used to fixing things." She kept alluding to the fact that she needed to "open" me up to see what is going on. If that happened, I was going to have to run out of the hospital. There is no way that lady was going to come close to me with a scalpel.
Thank God I am back home but in a very crabby feeling sorry for myself mood. I feel like I can't take any more of this. I am going to try and get some sleep and perhaps I feel better with some rest.

Happy Anniversary...NOT!!!

July 2nd was Derek’s and my 15th wedding anniversary. I know 1st is paper, 25th is silver and 50th is gold. Hmmm…..not sure what the 15th is?? I do know that it is an important milestone in both of our lives. One thing I have learned in 15 years of marriage is to let your partner know what you want…..don’t rely on him reading your mind. So I was very clear in my request. Since the 2nd fell on a weeknight I figured it made sense to do our celebration on Sat. the 5th. I told him I wanted to spend the entire day with him doing something romantic and then going out to a fancy dinner that evening. To my surprise, he said “yes” right away. For those of you who know Derek, he rarely leaves the house on the weekends except to go the gym or to Fry’s.

I was so excited!!! I was dreaming about a romantic picnic on the beach or a trip to dog beach walking hand in hand with our two dogs racing along beside us. I made reservations at Georges in the Cove at La Jolla for dinner. I wanted everything to be perfect. I scanned my wardrobe for the right dress to wear. Ladies you know how you buy something that is a size or two too small with the hope that you will fit into it one day??? Well I ran across a beautiful dress in my closet that was too small for me when I bought it. Thanks to the “cancer” diet it fit beautifully. Now what to do with my thin hair?? I decided I would style it curly as it made it look so much fuller.

Three days before our “big” event I was starting to feel quite fatigued. I rested a lot and didn’t do too much hoping I would feel better. I woke up on Sat. the 5th with a horrible blotchy rash all over my legs. I watched in horror as it started to move up my body over my stomach and up onto my chest. I thought everything will be just fine as long as it doesn’t move up to my face. Derek came in and looked at me and said I think we had better cancel for tonight. I said “No I have been looking so forward to this I don’t want to cancel”. He suggested I take a Benedril to see if that would help with the rash. I took the pill and laid back to rest for a bit. The next thing I knew it was 4:00 in the afternoon!!! Well so much for the romantic day!! I had spent the whole day in bed ALONE passed out. I was so exhausted I could barely make it down stairs. I hadn’t even washed my hair and we had to be at the restaurant in 1.5 hours. I decided to call up and cancel our reservation at Georges.

I was so disappointed and was feeling quite sorry for myself all evening. Of course Derek was the trooper he always is. He said not to worry and that he will spend the day with me any day I wish and then take me out to dinner. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I hope I feel well enough soon to take him up on his offer.