Checking back in

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last posted on my blog. I was just saying to a friend of mine that I need to change the name of the blog to "I AM CURED!". Although I am not sure how to do that without screwing everything up. I am continuing an upward progression in feeling stronger. I had to take a step back with my activity level. I was doing too much and then falling over and feeling like crap. Now I am purposely holding back and taking smaller steps towards my recovery. Derek has me walking around the block the twice a day. This entails walking about 35 minutes total everyday. I am still going out to the barn but I am not riding too much and when I do it is for very short periods of time. I have talked with Accelrys my former employer and I am going to back to work in January. It appears that I will have a new position which should be exciting. Everything in my life is working out....

Results

My oncologist said the spot on my lung remained unchanged and perhaps had gotten smaller (although the measurement was taken a different way this time). Of course he wants to equivocate about what it might or might not be. He said just because it hasn't grown doesn't mean it isn't cancer (Gees Thanks Mr. Glass 1/2 empty). Last time the spot was 5mm this time the spot was 2 mm and the radiologist report said it might be associated with a blood vessel (what ever that means). They also found another spot that had calcified (which is a good thing). The oncologist said he wasn't sure what to do next. I said how about we just wait until I get my PET scan in Jan. If the spot has grown, then it will show on the PET. He agreed because he said there was no reason to expose myself to more radiation with additional CT scans in the mean time. The risk of more radiation out weighed the benefit given that the spot wasn't growing fast. He said if he had seen my CT scan without knowing that I had cancer he would think it is normal.

So the bottom line from my perspective is there is nothing to worry about. I am going to believe that I am cured and go about living my life as such. I feel great emotionally and my body is getting stronger each week. Derek and I are going to celebrate this weekend. We just haven't figured how

I AM SO HAPPY!!!! LIFE IS GREAT!!! GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!

I get the results tomorrow at 3:30

I had my CT scan on Wed. afternoon (yesterday). It was so fast and easy compared to other tests I have had to endure. No concoctions to drink, No injections, No IVs, No tubes up my butt..... Literally it took 5 minutes and then I was out of there. I see Dr. Banerjee (oncologist) tomorrow (Fri) at 3:30. He will give Derek and me the results of the scan. I will post the results to my blog on Friday evening.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and healing thoughts. I feel them and they give me strength.

Love,

Margaret

Back to optimistic

I am over my depression. I guess I needed to go through it and feel it. I also got another wake up call about taking too many narcotics. Derek says I was hallucinating and talking nonsense the other night. Now I am writing down every pill I take so that I don't take too many. I am taking my pain pills every 4 hours rather than waiting until I feel pain and take too many. Duh......I should know better by now. Today I went out to the barn and rode my horse Mo on the trail. We just walked.... no galloping or being wild and crazy. I always feel better when I am around the sight, sounds and smells of horses. Many people find it disgusting (my husband is one). I however feel invigorated after a trip to the barn.

BTW: My CT scan is scheduled for next Wed. I don't need to say anymore than that.

Depression

I have been very anxious and depressed today. It started with my feeling very crabby about everything and now it has manifested itself into a depression. I think it is because I had to call the Doctor to schedule the high resolution CT scan of my lung. It has been almost 2 months since I got the great news that the tumor in my pelvis is completely gone. I also got the not-so-great news that the PET showed a 5 mm "spot" on my lung that wasn't seen before. I have been so optimistic until today. Today has been full of "what ifs". I have felt very exhausted today and every little pain or twinge makes me think "Oh NO.... I am feeling bad because the cancer has metastasized!". I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I got a very poor nights sleep last night. I am heading off to bed early tonight in hopes that I can get some rest.

I wonder if I am brain damaged????

I have noticed that my mental capabilities are not what they once were. I have trouble thinking of words. I often realize that I don't pick up on nuances of peoples behavior or in conversation. Last night a really weird thing that happened that I can't stop thinking about. Derek purchased a new camera last night at Best Buy. He was playing with his new camera and I went up to bed to read before going to sleep. After reading for about 45 min, I came down and got a beer and went back up to read. Derek was still downstairs when I turned off the light about 11:00 PM and I didn't wake up until 6:00 AM. This morning I said to him, "You should take some pictures of the dogs with your new camera". He looked at me funny and said "I took some pictures of the dogs last night. I brought my camera up to you and showed you the pictures while your were in bed reading. You commented on how Fergus's hair looked so shiny and how I needed to figure out how to get rid of the red eye in the photo of Wiley'". I have absolutely NO recollection of his coming up stairs, of the photos or of me commenting on the photos. I wasn't drunk....this morning I noticed that I had only drank 1/2 of the bottle of beer. What is going on with my brain???? How can I loose chunks of time like that when I feel like I am perfectly cognicent ???? Derek says it is because of the narcotics I am taking. I don't think I am taking a high enough dosage to make me that out of it. I am worried that the chemo and subsequent acute kidney failure may have caused some brain damage. I guess if that is the case there is nothing I can do about it. I think Derek has always admired my mind and now I am sure he thinks his wife's intellect has been changed. I am used to being smart and it is hard to feel kind of stupid all the time. I hope it will get better with time.

Tired, Tired, Tired

I have been having a very tired last few days. Today it was hard to get out of bed and I was out of breath walking up my stairs. I have slept for 12 hours straight and then felt the need to nap during the day. It is weird in that I will go through several days where I feel quite good and have lots of energy. I walk the dogs, clean up the house and do the shopping. Then I will be rendered incapacitated for several days. The problem is when I have the good days, I think "Great I am better at last"! Then I am disappointed to feel quite sick again. My doctor had told me that it will take a least a year to feel half way back to normal. I keep thinking "well that's for other people"...."I can get better much faster then the doctors think". I don't want to believe it but perhaps in this case the doctors are right. Some of my doctors don't think I will ever have the stamina and physical capabilities I once had. All I can say is "Thank God for Lexapro which keeps me on an even keel mentally" I saw my pain doctor today. Derek wanted me to try and get off the pain drugs. The doctor said he wouldn't recommend it right now. He said I should wait until I have had even more time to heal. He says I may always need to take some sort of pain medication because of the damage that was done by the radiation. I hope he is wrong as I would like to get my mental acuity back at some point.

Remembering my Mom

Today would have been my Mom’s 85th birthday. She was born in the early 1920s at home on a small farm in the town of Roccanville, Saskatchewan. My Mother and her brother were raised by a very loving Mother and Father but without the conveniances of running water and electricity in their home. She was a petite hazel-eyed blonde that never wore more than a size 4 in her entire life. She came to the US during WWII to work for the British Government in Washington D.C. There she met and married my Dad. She had both my brother and me late in life for that era. That was largely due to the fact that my parents were waiting until my Dad finished his Ph.D. before starting a family. My Mom was an amazing woman. There was nothing my Mom couldn’t do. She made (YES MADE) a couch while she was pregnant with my brother. We used that couch in our living room for many years. She had never gone to college and decided to go to college when my brother and I were in elementary school. This was in the mid sixties and she was one of the few “older” women attending college at that time. She graduated college with a 4.0 and then went on to get her Masters Degree. She was the kind of woman who could bake the best loaf of bread you ever tasted and then go out in the backyard and lay brick. She loved being a Grandmother and was a like a second Mom to my children. She took them to their little league games, piano lessons and orthodontics appointments. After her retirement she spent a lot of time volunteering for Planned Parenthood, Older woman’s league, literacy programs and feeding the homeless. She ran a 5 or 7K (I can’t remember which) when she was 70 years old. She came in first!!! Although I have to add that she was the only woman running in her age category. She was an inspiration to everyone who knew her. A day doesn’t go by that we don’t miss her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

Road Trip!

Today I drove up to San Juan Capistrano to meet an old friend for lunch.  Derek was worried about me driving all that way by myself.  I reassured him that I would be just fine and promised to call him when I arrived.  I was so excited about meeting up with Nancy.  She is a "horse" friend of mine from N. Calif.  We had lost touch and I hadn't seen her in the 3 years since we had moved down south.  She didn't know that I had been diagnosed a second time with cancer. When I told her my tale of the last 9 months, she broke down and cried.  She hugged me close and said it made it even more special that we were able to rekindle our friendship.   We assume our friends will always be with us.  We spent a leisurely lunch catching up on each others lives spending a lot of time talking about our respective horses.   She is one of the few people who didn't bat an eye when I told her I went to Mexico and bought a three year old stallion.   She understood completely that we horse women occasionally loose our minds. She then recounted her story of buying her present horse sight unseen over the Internet.  He arrived from Florida as bag of bones and lame to boot.... Plus her trainer hated him and said he would never amount to anything.  Now two years later (and a different trainer) he is winning high point at all the local shows.  I am glad her horse story has a happy ending.    She has invited me to go with her to the CA Dressage Society annual show in Los Angeles in mid Oct.   I can't Wait!!!!

Happy Birthday Dearest Richard!!!

Today is my little boy's 26th birthday.   Even though he is 6' 2"and 190 pounds, he will always be my little boy.  I have pictures of me and my very pregnant belly the day before he was born.   I knew I was going into labor so I asked Larry (my first husband) to take a picture of  my belly because it was so amazingly HUGE.  The labor was long and hard (Unfortunately without any drugs).   I was sure I was delivering an elephant....,but out came a beautiful baby boy who weighed almost 9 pounds.   He came into the world at 12:00 AM.   That means that when I signed the birth certificate I could choose either the 24th or the 25th for his birth date.   I choose the 25th so he could be one day younger.   

 I am so lucky to be blessed with a child of each sex.  Raising a boy is so much different than a girl.  I don't think it is better or worse just different.  Richard has taught me so much about boys and men.  I have enjoyed the funny, loving, rough and tumble ways of boys.   The things boys do and try to do, I would never even dream of doing as a girl.  Richard has a great sense of humor which I noticed even as a pre-schooler.  Do you remember the song "Billy don't loose that number" that was popular in the early 80s?  At 4 years old, Richard would put on my sun glasses and imitate  Phil Colins in his video.   Amy and I would laugh hysterically which of course would encourage him even more.  I have so many great memories of raising Rich.   I am so glad that I get to be his Mother.

Love You Rich.....signed "YO MAMMA"

My Dad is still sick

My Dad was released from the hospital yesterday and was feeling much better.  Today I called him and his temp was once again 102 degrees and he could barely walk across the room.  He sounded very sick on the phone.  Barbara is going to take him to the Doctors at 2:00 this afternoon.  He has had an infectious disease doctor look at him as well as his regular doctors and they chalked it off to a virus.  Dad said it could be an autoimmune "issue".  He has polymyalgia rheumatica (sp???) which he has been taking pregnasone for a couple of years.   His regular doctor said he had seen symptoms like this with a patient years ago that turned out to be typhoid.  I can't believe my father could have picked up typhoid....but who knows???   It is much harder going through any illness when you are in your 80s.

As my Dad often says....."Old age is not for sissies!"   I am very worried about him.

More worries....

 My Dad had us all worried because he got worse when he got home from our visit last week.  Even though he had been on antibiotics for over a week,  his temp was fluctuating between 101 to 103, he had muscle aches and extreme fatigue.  His voice sounded so weak on the phone.  They did a CT scan and blood tests and could find nothing conclusive so they admitted him to the hospital yesterday.  I talked to him today and he sounded much better (like his old self).   He says they think it may have been a virus he picked on a flight back from the Bay Area.   They are going to keep him in the hospital until his temp is normal.    My brother and I were talking yesterday and he said...."Man it would be nice to have a bit of a break from family health crisis!!!"  I agreed whole heatedly.   This has been a tough year for our family.   I am  hoping for a few years of uninterrupted health and happiness for the Ballards, the Watkins and the Stonichs.

Family just left

My family has been here since last Friday and the last person just left this morning. It was great to see everyone. My Dad wasn't feeling too well the entire time so I am hoping he will get a chance to recover once he gets home. The young folks (Amy Rich and Ally) were a lot of fun and we were able to do quite a bit. We went out to dinner at Jakes and saw a couple of movies. They all went swimming in the pool while I rested. It was great to be able to cook for everyone and have them all enjoy my food. I am sad that they have left and I am not sure when we will all be able to get together again. I am fairly exhausted and am looking forward to resting for a few days. I have posted a bunch of picture taken during our time together.

Multiple Doctors opinions on my latest PET/CT scan

I have had three doctors look at my PET/CT Scan in addition to my oncologist. I wanted their opinion on the spot on my lung. My oncologist had made a big deal about it and had really scared me. All three said they think the spot on my lung is nothing to worry about. They think it is an artifact of the scan or a small scar on my lung. In addition, the doctors thought I should think about hooking my small bowel back up to my large bowel so that I can eliminate normally and not have to wear a bag for the rest of my life. The surgery would require 4 days in the hospital and three weeks recovery time. My radiation oncologist said I should wait until a full year after radiation to have the surgery to give my "lower Parts" plenty of time to heal.
I thank God multiple times every day for the healing that I have experienced. It is more than I can hope for to have all my parts whole and working again. Considering where I started back in Nov of last year this is truly a miracle! I know all of your prayers and healing thoughts have helped and are helping me to regain my health......Thank you all!!!

Every thing is Good

I am done with my worrying, fretting and freaking out regarding my PET results.  "It is what it is"...and I will deal with it.   I am going back to living in the present and not thinking too much about the future (other than Grand Children...which I can't wait for).  That is how I got through the first 9 months and how I will continue to live.  

My Dad and Step Mom are coming into town on Friday to celebrate my birthday.   Amy gets back from Italy this Thu and will fly down to see me next Monday.  My Son Rich and his girlfriend Ally will also fly down to see me next Mon.  The only folks missing from the celebration will be my Brother Richard and my Sister in Law Bonnie as well as Amy's Boyfriend Ray.   I am really looking forward to the visit and can't wait to see everyone.  We will have a house full of people so I am hoping it won't be too hot and humid as we don't have air conditioning.  

Results of PET Scan

It is a good news/bad news situation. First the good news: The tumor is completely gone. there was no metabolic activity. The bad news: they found a 5 mm lesion on the right upper lobe of my lung. The radiologist report said " Suspicious of metastasis from primary tumor". My oncologist feels that this is highly unlikely but right now he can't prove it. The lesion is too small to biopsy. The only thing to do is to wait for 2 months and do a high resolution CT scan. If it is cancer, it will have grown larger. If it is not, it will be the same size. I started to go down the road with the oncologist about what we will do if it is a metastasis but then I stopped. I don't want to even think about going through any more treatment.
When I left the oncologist office, I broke down and sobbed. I didn't care about all the people around me trying not to look at me. I thought the worst thing I was facing was more surgery. It never even occurred to me that I was facing a metastasis and then or course there is the BIG D (death) looming in the background.
I talked to my Dad right after this and he reminded me that back in Nov. when things looked really bleak he prayed to God and the Lord told him that I would be healed. He says he believes that this is still true. I am going to believe that as well.

Thanks again to all my friends for your love, prayers and healing thoughts. I couldn't make it through this without you!

Love you all,

Margaret

Anniversary Gifts!!

Yesterday I opened my mail and received a gift certificate for George's in the Cove from my dear friends and former bridge group in No. Calif.  At first I wondered, how did they know about Georges??? Then I remembered I had made a big deal about it on my blog.   It was so so sweet of them to do that for Derek and me.  They are the best and I miss them all so much. 

If it can't get any better than that....think again???   Derek usually goes to the gym on Sat morning and he was gone longer than usual.  When he came home, he had a brand new MacBook Pro laptop and  color printer for me and said "Happy Anniversary Dear!"    So I am happily typing on my new Mac and can't wait to join the ranks of all the Mac lovers.

I think it is going to be a good anniversary after all.

PET scan today

Today is the day that I had my final PET scan that will determine if my cancer is still there and if I will require surgery to remove what I will refer to as my "nether parts". I have had 4 PET scans in the last 9 months. These are usually accompanied by a lot of anxiety on my part with regard to the procedure as well as the outcome. Today I had a sense of peace about this whole situation that I haven't experienced before. Derek offered to drive me and wait for me but I said no....I can do this myself. The two radiation technicians that work at the Imaging Center are wonderful people and have the nicest bedside manner. The entire process takes about 2 hours. The actual scan takes 30 minutes and that is usually the hardest part for me. I guess I am claustrophobic because I have to do a lot of "self talk" to keep myself from freaking out when my shoulders and head are in the scanner. Today I fell asleep during the entire scanning process. I awoke as the technician was shaking me. Two hours had gone by in a blink of the eye. I was so sleepy and when I got home I crawled into bed and slept for another 3 hours. I awoke feeling refreshed. I will know the results of the scan next Wed. As Andrea said to me earlier this week, "The decision has already been made you just don't know it yet". Somehow that comforts me.

Is this manic behavior???

I have felt a shift in my outlook and behavior since my horrible experience with my last bowel obstruction. I feel like I have experienced the absolute worst in the last 9 months. For some reason going through all of this has made me feel incredibly grateful to be alive. The joy I sometimes feel is indescribable. Sometime I feel that joy from simply petting my dogs, cooking dinner for Derek or looking at a beautiful sunset.

Today I put my riding pants on, grabbed my boots, hard hat and drove out to the barn. I saddled up my most awesome mare Monique and rode her. I walked, trotted and cantered. I was having so much fun I didn't want to stop. Marion was watching me and said "you better stop!". When I got off, I felt light headed like I was going to pass out but I also felt so WONDERFUL!!! I can still ride even with radiation damage, with an ostomy and with all the crap my body has been through. Marion had me sit down while she unsaddled and unbridled Mo (Marion is so sweet). Marion took a picture today of me Riding Monique. There is no place I would rather be than on the back of a good horse. I still have a lot of stuff to go through...but today is a good day.

Doing much better

I am recovering from the 2nd bowel obstruction much faster than the first one. When I got home from the hospital, I was so angry that I just started throwing things and yelling. I have never done that before in my life. I must say it was very cathartic. When I was feeling better, I wrote a letter to my surgeon letting him know about the terrible care I received from his colleague and asking that I never be treated by her again. I guess I am feeling "empowered"....which is a great feeling. I have felt such a lack of control in my life since all of this started.
I have my FINAL PET scan scheduled for this Fri at 8:30 AM. I am trying not to think too much about it but I am very nervous and scared.

In the Hospital....AGAIN!!!!

I had another bowel obstruction and had to spend the night in the hospital last night. Luckily they released me this afternoon as I am beginning to HATE the smells and sounds of hospitals. The doctor on call for my surgeon was a crazy lady that made me so nervous. She seemed to have no idea what she was doing. She refused to give me any pain meds until I told her in a very sharp voice that she was being in-humane. Then she begrudgingly gave me some pain meds in my IV. That was after suffering for 6 hours with intense pain. They had to repeat the CT scan two times. Then after the second time she said I have no idea how to interpret the scan. She kept saying "I don't know what to do.... I am a surgeon and I am used to fixing things." She kept alluding to the fact that she needed to "open" me up to see what is going on. If that happened, I was going to have to run out of the hospital. There is no way that lady was going to come close to me with a scalpel.
Thank God I am back home but in a very crabby feeling sorry for myself mood. I feel like I can't take any more of this. I am going to try and get some sleep and perhaps I feel better with some rest.

Happy Anniversary...NOT!!!

July 2nd was Derek’s and my 15th wedding anniversary. I know 1st is paper, 25th is silver and 50th is gold. Hmmm…..not sure what the 15th is?? I do know that it is an important milestone in both of our lives. One thing I have learned in 15 years of marriage is to let your partner know what you want…..don’t rely on him reading your mind. So I was very clear in my request. Since the 2nd fell on a weeknight I figured it made sense to do our celebration on Sat. the 5th. I told him I wanted to spend the entire day with him doing something romantic and then going out to a fancy dinner that evening. To my surprise, he said “yes” right away. For those of you who know Derek, he rarely leaves the house on the weekends except to go the gym or to Fry’s.

I was so excited!!! I was dreaming about a romantic picnic on the beach or a trip to dog beach walking hand in hand with our two dogs racing along beside us. I made reservations at Georges in the Cove at La Jolla for dinner. I wanted everything to be perfect. I scanned my wardrobe for the right dress to wear. Ladies you know how you buy something that is a size or two too small with the hope that you will fit into it one day??? Well I ran across a beautiful dress in my closet that was too small for me when I bought it. Thanks to the “cancer” diet it fit beautifully. Now what to do with my thin hair?? I decided I would style it curly as it made it look so much fuller.

Three days before our “big” event I was starting to feel quite fatigued. I rested a lot and didn’t do too much hoping I would feel better. I woke up on Sat. the 5th with a horrible blotchy rash all over my legs. I watched in horror as it started to move up my body over my stomach and up onto my chest. I thought everything will be just fine as long as it doesn’t move up to my face. Derek came in and looked at me and said I think we had better cancel for tonight. I said “No I have been looking so forward to this I don’t want to cancel”. He suggested I take a Benedril to see if that would help with the rash. I took the pill and laid back to rest for a bit. The next thing I knew it was 4:00 in the afternoon!!! Well so much for the romantic day!! I had spent the whole day in bed ALONE passed out. I was so exhausted I could barely make it down stairs. I hadn’t even washed my hair and we had to be at the restaurant in 1.5 hours. I decided to call up and cancel our reservation at Georges.

I was so disappointed and was feeling quite sorry for myself all evening. Of course Derek was the trooper he always is. He said not to worry and that he will spend the day with me any day I wish and then take me out to dinner. I am so lucky to have such a great husband. I hope I feel well enough soon to take him up on his offer.

Derek has a new calling

Derek would kill me if he knew I was posting this on my blog......but I can't resist. Our older dog Wiley has been having some issues with bladder control. Apparently this is typical in older spayed females. The vet asked me to collect a "first in the morning" urine sample from the dog. Derek and I pondered how we were going to get a dog to pee in a cup. I through up my hands and said "this sounds like an impossible task." However Derek persevered. He got up at 3:30 AM last night and shut Wiley in the house. At 8:00 this morning he came in and woke me up and said I need your help. He had rigged a plastic tupper wear bowl with a pair of "grabbers" he uses with the fish tank (see picture above). He told me to put the leash on Wiley and take her out front to a common grass area across the street. He then told me to walk her along the grass and when she squats to pee he will put his device under her bum and catch the stream. The first try he only got a little bit because Wiley stopped peeing when she felt a tupper wear container being shoved under her bum. At this point we were both laughing at how strange this must look to the neighbors...Derek running behind the dog and shoving a bowl under the her bum when she squatted. The third try we had success!! A tupper wear bowl full of warm dog pee. I couldn't stop laughing and told Derek if he ever looses his job he can become a dog urine collector.

Ahhhhh the smell of horses!!

Yesterday I drove out to see my horses. This is the first time I was able to drive out there by myself. My mare Monique was so happy to see me. I fed her carrots, brushed her and let her out in a big arena to run, buck and have a nice roll in the dust. My little stallion Capote had hurt is leg so he has been confined to his stall for the last week. He was so agitated and full of energy that he could barely contain himself to take a carrot and have his nose scratched. Capote doesn't know me as his "Mom" because I purchased him right before I got sick and he has bonded with Marion my trainer and friend. Above I have posted a picture of Marion riding Capote. He is like riding a fancy sports car.

No Pain

A lot of people have been asking about my pain level. I went to a pain specialist last week and it was very worthwhile. I had been taking primarily vicodeine but was limiting myself to 6 pills per day because of the liver damage that can be caused by the acetaminophen part of vicodeine. My oncologist had prescribed as much morphine as I wanted but it didn't seem to have any effect on my pain receptors. The result was I was in pain most of the time. This doctor prescribed a form of vicodeine that had 2x the amount of codeine and 1/2 the amount of acetaminophen. He also gave me a prescription for Lyrica. This is a fairly new Pfizer drug that is non narcotic and works for nerve pain. It takes a several day to take effect. The result has been NO PAIN!! It is so wonderful to be pain free for the first time in 7 months. I expressed my concern to the Pain Specialist about getting hooked on these drugs. He explained there is a difference between drug dependency and addiction. He says that I will get dependent upon these drugs (biochemically speaking) and may require a higher dosage to get the same effect. He says that I will have to work with him to slowly wean myself off of them when I am completely healed. Addiction is when a patient starts taking these drugs to get high not just to alleviate pain. He said the patient then starts lying to the physician to get more drugs and then tries to gets drugs from multiple doctors. I had never thought about the distinction between dependency and addiction. I always thought they were one and the same.

Technology is Great!

I talked to Amy today via Skype. This is wonderful technology. We talk with each other via our respective computers. It sounded like Amy was in the next room. The line dropped a couple of times but I simply pressed the phone Icon on the Skype site and was able to reconnect right away. She has started her own blog:http://amy-underthecorcianosun.blogspot.com/ where she has already posted some pictures. A HUGE thank you to Derek for putting together a small laptop for Amy and putting Skype on our respective computers and getting everything to work. Believe me when I tell you I was not the most patient person for him to work with. At one point, he went up stairs and told me he was refusing to work with me until I calmed down. Then he asks me "Are you sure you are still taking your Lexapro?". ARGH......
Well, I feel much better knowing that Amy is safe, happy and looking forward to her Italian Adventure.

Being a Mom

My daughter Amy left on Sunday to go to Italy for 2 months to study landscape painting. I am so happy she has this great opportunity. However the Mom in me has been worrying constantly. I will list my worries: Will her plane crash? will she be in a car accident? will she be abducted by terrorists? will she fall in love with an Italian and never come home....etc etc. OK, I admit these sound crazy...but any of you who are Moms and Dads will understand. I think the most worrisome part is knowing that if something happened to her I am too sick to come rescue her. I used to think you would stop worrying about your children once they were grown and gone from home.....boy was I wrong on that one. Amy sent me an email on Monday evening letting me know that she arrived safe and sound in Corciano. She says the place is lovely. She told me the town is so small that you can walk from one end to the other. She will be sending some pictures soon. I don't have any recent pictures of Amy alone....so I posted one taken of Amy and Rich and their significant others Ray and Ally. I had know idea where Corciano is. Above is google map. Technology is great!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

I am so thankful to still have my Dad. I lost my Mom very unexpectedly seven years ago. The shock of that loss woke me up to the fact that life is precious and can be taken away at any time. My Dad has been there for me during this very difficult time in my life. He sent me cards everyday for the first few months. They were hand written with his words of encouragement. He has called me every day during my illness. Some days I was too sick to talk. I could only say “I love you” and hang up. Even though this is a Father’s Day missive, I have to mention my Step Mom Barbara. She has also been there for me. When they came to take care of me, she cooked me the most delicious food. She even peeled my tomatoes because the tomato skin would block my ostomy. I am so lucky to have them both and can’t wait to see them in person soon. I have posted a very cute picture I took last Oct. when we all went on a very fun trip to the 4 corners region.

Rant about my Surgeon

I had not heard from my surgeon on the results of my CT scan that he had ordered last week. This wasn't a problem for me because I saw my radiation oncologist on Monday and he said everything looked great and seemed to be healing well. He also complimented me on my decision to avoid surgery.
I logged into email today and had a letter from my surgeon on the results. He is such a "glass half empty" kind of guy. He paints everything in the worst light. I dread talking to this guy about any results. I always feel like crying after I talk with him. I am probably being overly sensitive as today has not been the best day. I did a little too much the last few days and am now paying the price. This guy needs to get some training on how to deliver information in a more positive light.....OK I am done now. I am going to take an Percoset and not think about him.

Lunch with Deb

Today I felt well enough to have lunch with my friend Debbie. Deb and I have known each other since the early days of SciTegic (over 6 years ago). Deb never fails to make me laugh and has a wonderful irreverent sense of humor. We ate lunch at the Grand Cafe in Escondido. I ate appetizer, entree and dessert while Deb nursed a very small and healthy salad. The food tasted wonderful and the company was very great. I know that I am turning a corner because food is starting to taste good and I look forward to my meals. I have attached a picture that our server took today.

Results of CT Scan

When you are diagnosed with cancer, typically you see three types of doctors; a surgeon, an oncologist and a radiation oncologist. My radiation oncologist is Dr. Hodgins and he was responsible for planning and executing my radiation treatment. The last time I had seen him was in late January when I was finishing up my treatment. He called me last week and wanted me to come in to see him since it had been awhile.
I told him that I had a CT scan last Thu but had not yet heard from my surgeon who had ordered the test. He was able to go on line and pull up the scan. The scan showed really good results. There were no masses, edema or swelling in my pelvis other than the original tumor which is now about 1.5 cm in size (originally it was over 6 cm in size). A CT scan will show the tumor mass but will not show metabolic activity. Metabolic activity indicates if the tumor is alive or dead. A PET scan will show tumor mass and metabolic activity but because of the amount of whole body radiation involved they don't want to do those very often. I am scheduled to have a PET at the end of July. He told me that what may happen is that in July when I have the PET scan it may show that there is a small mass still there but the mass is dead (no metabolic activity). He said if that is the case he would recommend that I not have the surgery to remove my anus and rectum. He said that he has most likely done so much damage to my anus and rectum with the radiation that it will not be able to function normally. That means that I would have the ileostomy for the rest of my life. He said the surgery to remove the anus and rectum is quite painful difficult with lots of side effects (Derek had read that it has a 5% mortality rate) and that I should avoid it if possible.
I guess I had thought that the tumor was either there or not. I never considered the possibility that it could still be there but dead. Wow....there is so much information to absorb. I feel like Derek and I will experts when this is all over.

CT Scan today

My surgeon decided that I needed to have a CT scan. I saw him last week and he tried to examine me by putting a scope up my butt but it was too painful to endure. He needed a scan to make sure that there wasn't anything bad going on down there.

I was not allowed to eat anything since last night and checked into the imaging center at 12:00 PM this afternoon. The male nurse that administered the IV was very rough and I didn't like him. There are very few male nurses that I like. I much prefer to be taken care of by women. In addition to the contrast via IV...I had to have contrast agent pumped into my rectum (YUCK)!!! I said I didn't want the male nurse to do it because he was too rough. So a nice empathetic female technician did it. I won't go into detail but I don't have to tell you that it was unpleasant to say the least. It is hard to maintain your dignity with a hose up your butt. The surgeon should call me tomorrow with results. For some reason, I am not worried. I think everything is fine.