Results

My oncologist said the spot on my lung remained unchanged and perhaps had gotten smaller (although the measurement was taken a different way this time). Of course he wants to equivocate about what it might or might not be. He said just because it hasn't grown doesn't mean it isn't cancer (Gees Thanks Mr. Glass 1/2 empty). Last time the spot was 5mm this time the spot was 2 mm and the radiologist report said it might be associated with a blood vessel (what ever that means). They also found another spot that had calcified (which is a good thing). The oncologist said he wasn't sure what to do next. I said how about we just wait until I get my PET scan in Jan. If the spot has grown, then it will show on the PET. He agreed because he said there was no reason to expose myself to more radiation with additional CT scans in the mean time. The risk of more radiation out weighed the benefit given that the spot wasn't growing fast. He said if he had seen my CT scan without knowing that I had cancer he would think it is normal.

So the bottom line from my perspective is there is nothing to worry about. I am going to believe that I am cured and go about living my life as such. I feel great emotionally and my body is getting stronger each week. Derek and I are going to celebrate this weekend. We just haven't figured how

I AM SO HAPPY!!!! LIFE IS GREAT!!! GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!

I get the results tomorrow at 3:30

I had my CT scan on Wed. afternoon (yesterday). It was so fast and easy compared to other tests I have had to endure. No concoctions to drink, No injections, No IVs, No tubes up my butt..... Literally it took 5 minutes and then I was out of there. I see Dr. Banerjee (oncologist) tomorrow (Fri) at 3:30. He will give Derek and me the results of the scan. I will post the results to my blog on Friday evening.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and healing thoughts. I feel them and they give me strength.

Love,

Margaret

Back to optimistic

I am over my depression. I guess I needed to go through it and feel it. I also got another wake up call about taking too many narcotics. Derek says I was hallucinating and talking nonsense the other night. Now I am writing down every pill I take so that I don't take too many. I am taking my pain pills every 4 hours rather than waiting until I feel pain and take too many. Duh......I should know better by now. Today I went out to the barn and rode my horse Mo on the trail. We just walked.... no galloping or being wild and crazy. I always feel better when I am around the sight, sounds and smells of horses. Many people find it disgusting (my husband is one). I however feel invigorated after a trip to the barn.

BTW: My CT scan is scheduled for next Wed. I don't need to say anymore than that.

Depression

I have been very anxious and depressed today. It started with my feeling very crabby about everything and now it has manifested itself into a depression. I think it is because I had to call the Doctor to schedule the high resolution CT scan of my lung. It has been almost 2 months since I got the great news that the tumor in my pelvis is completely gone. I also got the not-so-great news that the PET showed a 5 mm "spot" on my lung that wasn't seen before. I have been so optimistic until today. Today has been full of "what ifs". I have felt very exhausted today and every little pain or twinge makes me think "Oh NO.... I am feeling bad because the cancer has metastasized!". I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. I got a very poor nights sleep last night. I am heading off to bed early tonight in hopes that I can get some rest.

I wonder if I am brain damaged????

I have noticed that my mental capabilities are not what they once were. I have trouble thinking of words. I often realize that I don't pick up on nuances of peoples behavior or in conversation. Last night a really weird thing that happened that I can't stop thinking about. Derek purchased a new camera last night at Best Buy. He was playing with his new camera and I went up to bed to read before going to sleep. After reading for about 45 min, I came down and got a beer and went back up to read. Derek was still downstairs when I turned off the light about 11:00 PM and I didn't wake up until 6:00 AM. This morning I said to him, "You should take some pictures of the dogs with your new camera". He looked at me funny and said "I took some pictures of the dogs last night. I brought my camera up to you and showed you the pictures while your were in bed reading. You commented on how Fergus's hair looked so shiny and how I needed to figure out how to get rid of the red eye in the photo of Wiley'". I have absolutely NO recollection of his coming up stairs, of the photos or of me commenting on the photos. I wasn't drunk....this morning I noticed that I had only drank 1/2 of the bottle of beer. What is going on with my brain???? How can I loose chunks of time like that when I feel like I am perfectly cognicent ???? Derek says it is because of the narcotics I am taking. I don't think I am taking a high enough dosage to make me that out of it. I am worried that the chemo and subsequent acute kidney failure may have caused some brain damage. I guess if that is the case there is nothing I can do about it. I think Derek has always admired my mind and now I am sure he thinks his wife's intellect has been changed. I am used to being smart and it is hard to feel kind of stupid all the time. I hope it will get better with time.

Tired, Tired, Tired

I have been having a very tired last few days. Today it was hard to get out of bed and I was out of breath walking up my stairs. I have slept for 12 hours straight and then felt the need to nap during the day. It is weird in that I will go through several days where I feel quite good and have lots of energy. I walk the dogs, clean up the house and do the shopping. Then I will be rendered incapacitated for several days. The problem is when I have the good days, I think "Great I am better at last"! Then I am disappointed to feel quite sick again. My doctor had told me that it will take a least a year to feel half way back to normal. I keep thinking "well that's for other people"...."I can get better much faster then the doctors think". I don't want to believe it but perhaps in this case the doctors are right. Some of my doctors don't think I will ever have the stamina and physical capabilities I once had. All I can say is "Thank God for Lexapro which keeps me on an even keel mentally" I saw my pain doctor today. Derek wanted me to try and get off the pain drugs. The doctor said he wouldn't recommend it right now. He said I should wait until I have had even more time to heal. He says I may always need to take some sort of pain medication because of the damage that was done by the radiation. I hope he is wrong as I would like to get my mental acuity back at some point.

Remembering my Mom

Today would have been my Mom’s 85th birthday. She was born in the early 1920s at home on a small farm in the town of Roccanville, Saskatchewan. My Mother and her brother were raised by a very loving Mother and Father but without the conveniances of running water and electricity in their home. She was a petite hazel-eyed blonde that never wore more than a size 4 in her entire life. She came to the US during WWII to work for the British Government in Washington D.C. There she met and married my Dad. She had both my brother and me late in life for that era. That was largely due to the fact that my parents were waiting until my Dad finished his Ph.D. before starting a family. My Mom was an amazing woman. There was nothing my Mom couldn’t do. She made (YES MADE) a couch while she was pregnant with my brother. We used that couch in our living room for many years. She had never gone to college and decided to go to college when my brother and I were in elementary school. This was in the mid sixties and she was one of the few “older” women attending college at that time. She graduated college with a 4.0 and then went on to get her Masters Degree. She was the kind of woman who could bake the best loaf of bread you ever tasted and then go out in the backyard and lay brick. She loved being a Grandmother and was a like a second Mom to my children. She took them to their little league games, piano lessons and orthodontics appointments. After her retirement she spent a lot of time volunteering for Planned Parenthood, Older woman’s league, literacy programs and feeding the homeless. She ran a 5 or 7K (I can’t remember which) when she was 70 years old. She came in first!!! Although I have to add that she was the only woman running in her age category. She was an inspiration to everyone who knew her. A day doesn’t go by that we don’t miss her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!